I am a Friend

Merry Christ-mas everyone!!! This Christmas has been the most interesting Christmas ever . . . I had family emergency going on, (which actually is still going on), I had to put my cat of 13 years to sleep (very sad), and then I got a new kitten (names Bella). Now despite all the drama that has gone on this Christmas, one thing hasn't hit me: depression. And that has been the grace of God! I never broke down once. I only shed a few tears when I handed my cat over and watched her being taken away. But God held me up and I never felt emotionally overwhelmed and felt peace the whole time.

All what has been going on, has only showed me: how awesome my family is and it has also brought me more deeply closer to the Lord. I feel like I am beginning to understand His personality so much more. He is not just my father and "The Lord", He is my friend who cares for me and I really am starting to more so understand that song: I am a friend of God.

My new kitty "Bella"

The Change

Everything is changing. My thoughts and my heart are changing. I can actually feel the growth. It's creeping into my slowly but surely.

Wow, I've never felt like this. Success is sure to come! :-)

GET EXCITED!!!

God is about to do some great things in my life! I can feel it. I am so excited.

I'm really in an excited mood right now. Maybe because I heard an awesome sermon in church today. One I really needed and that lifted up my spirits. That's probably why. :-) :-)

Well that's all that I pretty much have to write. Not much today. Just I am in a very very very happy and joyful mood. I'm not letting anyone take my joy!

Superstar

The song 'Superstar' by Lupe Fiasco keeps playing in my head . . . I really wanna be a superstar. Not a superstar in the tabloids or on tv or on the red carpet persay (even though i'd love to have some feminine swagger walking down one) but I want to be a spiritual superstar. I want to help people. I want to be a superstar to my mate, if I ever have one, and a superstar to my kids (def. if I ever have them).

Well I'm off to being a superstar . . .

Painting

I am sitting in the middle of an empty room, on a wooden chair, deep in thought, leaning back, with a can of ever changing color paint at my feet and with a paintbrush in my hand

That describes how I am feeling right now . . . the walls around me are white and they represent my life. I have the power to paint my life as whatever I want, and it becomes that. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I'm in the weirdest mood right now. I feel I'm in the perfect mood to blog because I'll have nothing but revelations and epiphany's to put down in this entry. I am feeling a little lonely these days. It's like I'm outside on a chilly day. I have a on a medium thickness sweater where the neck of it goes up to my mouth. My arms are wrapped around myself and I am looking thoughtful in the eye . . . (how's that sound :-))

I'm in a real reflective state right now . . . I actually wish I was painting right now. I don't know what I'd paint and honestly I don't know how to paint, but I think having a paintbrush in my hand would make it the easier. Just blogging doesn't seem to be working. Maybe it will work at the end. I know if I were editing a movie, it would make sense to be reflective. Then I could unleash all that out on the editing. It's a lot of work though. Very grueling . . . I don't know why I wanna go into this movie business after I am financially free. I know I want to minister the gospel through it, but it's such a hard industry!

I was sharing this with my friend the other day . . . this is exactly what I wrote
when i just closed my eyes. i was at the academy awards. sitting in a seat. with a man holding my hand as the whole audience waited to see who would be announced for best picture

it was so real

my hand was in my lap

i was wearing a gown

my feet were sweaty in my shoes of nervousness

and my head was as it would be at that time, in a state of 'who knows what will happen
i can feel the room

it's cold

well not freezing

the the air conditioning is def. on

it smells heavily of cologne and perfume

b/c of course, people wanna smell good

and people wanna cover up their sweat

When you (generic 'you') start having dreams like that . . . anything is possible :-)

History

Today . . . I just witnessed with my own eyes America voting for the first black president in the history of the United States of America. It didn't hit me until I was driving home from my friend's house and my eyes began to fill up with tears. Like I said before in a previous post, I don't cry. The emotion going through so many people right now is unbelievable. We never thought we'd see it in our lifetime, and here it has happened.

To all you haters out there . . . ha, I don't even care!!!

A Year Strong

Hello world,

Today is my birthday!!! I am a year old in the illustrious sorority Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated. It has been an emotional, wonderful, growing, learning, and powerful year. Through everything, I love who I have become and I love my line sisters like no other. I have the best. Period.

I'm so excited . . .

Success nuggets

Hello world,


Here are some more points from The Magic of Thinking Big . . .

• Be environment-conscious. Just as body diet makes the body, mind diet makes the mind.
• Make your environment work for you, not against you. Don't let suppressive forces - the negative, you-can't-do-it-people - make you think defeat.
• Don't let small-thinking people hold you back. Jealous people want to see you stumble. Don't give them that satisfaction.
• Get your advice from successful people. Your future is important. Never risk it with free-lance advisors who are living failures.
• Get plenty of psychological sunshine. Circulate in new groups. Discover new and stimulating things to do.
• Throw thought-poison out of your environment. Avoid gossip. Talk about people but stay on the positive side.
• Go first class in everything you do. You can't afford to go any other way.
• Grow the "I'm activated" attitude. Results come in proportion to enthusiasm invested. Three things to do to activate yourself are:

1. Dig into it deeper. When you find yourself disinterested in something, dig in and learn more about it. This sets off enthusiasm.
2. Life up everything about you: your smile, your handshake, your talk, even your walk. Act alive.
3. Broadcast good news. No one ever accomplished anything positive telling bad news.

• Grow the "You are important" attitude. People do more for you when you make them feel important. Remember to do these things:

1. Show appreciation at every opportunity. Make people feel important.
2. Call people by name.

• Grow the "Service first" attitude, and watch money take care of itself. Make it a rule in everything you do, give people more than they expect to get.

If you want to me to go into more detail about it, well you'll have to buy the book for yourself. If you apply the principles, it's life changing. All you have to do is read it for about 15 min a day and it will do wonders. My race of people could really use help from reading these types of books. They stick all this knowledge in books and we don't like to read . . . shame . . .


Goodbye world

Today Would Be A Day . . .

Today would be a day for crying and screaming . . . but since my eyes tend to be dried up these past few years due to my role of helping everybody else with their emotional issues and forgetting about mine, it seems I'm past crying these days. I guess it's ok. I don't like to cry anyways. It is quite an emotional drain.

The circumstances still look bleak . . . so now I have to stretch my faith . . . what does it look like versus what God said about me. Well God never lies so the situation is lying which means I'll be speaking a lot to it these next few days.

I love business minded people. They just lift my soul. I heard something halarious on a show called "Who wants to work for Diddy?" This one person said to Diddy, "You have a dream and I want to help make that dream come true." Now I found this funny because they are fighting to fight for someone else's dream, but what about their own dream? That is being poor minded. Yes jobs are good to get you started but I definitely don't plan to stay at one my whole life. I have a business on the side, and once it takes off I'm retiring. I'm an independent business owner which means if I take a vacation for a month and don't touch my business, it still builds without me being there. That's a real business owner, if someone has to be there for it to carry on, that means you are self employed. Quite a difference.

I want to get away, a place where no one is. I want to just get away, get a hotel, take some long beautiful walks beneath the trees, and dream . . . Today would be a good day for that.

Walking Alone

I look up, and no one is around me . . . I look side to side and it's total blackness.

Family, Friends . . . gone . . . what's left, is a tidbit of light.

How can I make it to the light when no one is with me?

I yell, "JESUS!!!!!!!!!!" . . . silence

The dream, stretches far away . . . if I could only grasp that dream. If I could only be near it one day.

The journey; is hard. I have already hurt myself along the way.

"JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!" . . . it is still silent as the grave

When is help going to come? I feel so alone! My people so near betrayed me.

But I hear something . . . someone's footsteps . . . a strong hand grabs mine.

Someone is leading me through this valley, this stench hole, this abomination.

The light they give off is so strong, so I close my eyes for I have been living in total darkness.

Soon I open, one . . . then the other . . . and before me stands a man, a man whose face shines . . .

"Why Jesus!? Why didn't you answer when I called?"

"I did answer you my child, I came and delivered you, I heard the first time when you called. You were never alone; you chose to go by yourself and didn't want my help; but I am always with you"

We reached the end of the valley, the end of the darkness, the end of the struggle.

"Jesus, let's walk together forever. I don't like walking alone"

Jesus looks down on me gently, and smiles . . .

Tidbits of Things

I've been doing better everyday with what I am supposed to be doing. I get up every morning and read my Bible, do my confession, and read my success books. The one thing I need to work on is prayer. I don't know why I struggle with that. It's not like I don't want to talk to God and it's not like I don't think He hears me, because I know even when I don't think He's listening He is . . . I think I just need to make it a habit. A serious habit! I've got so many things to pray about: ministry, film, business, more schooling, a job . . . I could go on and on. I guess this is why the Lord says pray continuously.

I've started reading Pilgrim's Progress . . . I don't know how I'm going to make this into a movie. After reading, I plan to make a script and then come up with storyboards on how I want different scenes to look. I'm not much of an artist so it will be quite a learning experience. I have to imagine what I think is a great and wonderful movie and create it!

Here is something wonderful I learned in one of my success books today: The Magic of Thinking Big. This is in the chapter entitled: You Are What You Think You Are. They had a checklist for what someone with an important mindset thinks about and what most people think about. Since I want to be (well am) important, I want to think how an important person thinks. Here is teh checklist:

Situation: When I worry
Ask Yourself: Would an important person worry about this?
Situation: An idea
Ask Yourself: Would the most successful person I know be disturbed about this?
Situation: My appearance
Ask Yourself: Do I look like someone who has maximum self-respect?
Situation: My language
Ask Yourself: Am I using the language of successful people?
Situaiton: What I read
Ask Yourself: Would an important person read this?
Situation: Conversation
Ask Yourself: Is this something successful people would discuss
Situation: When I lose my temper
Ask Yourself: Would an important person get mad at what I'm mad about?
Situation: My jokes
Ask Yourself: Is this the kind of joke an important person would tell?
Situation: My job
Ask Yourself: HOw does an important person describe his job to others?

This book is filled with wonderful tips and keys for those who want to be successful in life and who want to go against the grain, and flow upstream instead of down like everyone else. Pick it up and read it . . . and APPLY IT!!!! Most people don't apply when they read books on success, including the Bible which tells you how to be successful; and people wonder why they are still in the slumps . . . well anyways, I won't preach in this entry . . . I'm off to read/relax.

I Am Woman!!!

The 2008 Word of Faith Women's Conference has changed my life!!! I got so much good stuff I don't know how I am going to contain it all . . . I just have to keep that word in me. The Name of the Conference was I Am Woman! Such a powerful title. There a some things I need to stop hearing about and just do . . .

1. Love other people
2. Be Obedient
3. Have my expectancy higher!
4. Learn from the women of the Bible
5. Serve
6. Know I am a winner and Overcomer

Being in the Women's Conference I was just engrossed with the Word and was surrounded by believers. Now it's time to go out and live what I was talked and share the love that I felt!

Your Spirit

Your spirit is like the rush of fresh water down the stream; so pure. Your spirit speaks to me like the breeze blowing through the trees; so soft. Your spirit makes me strong like a fresh piece of fruit after a hike throughout the forest; so uplifting. Your spirit comforts me like a mother comforts her child in the midst of a thunderstorm; safety.

Your spirit causes me to grow, by filling me up with your presence and guiding me on how I should live.

You are magnificent, holy, righteous . . .

Your spirit is here . . .

On the Other Side of the Moon

Have you ever had a dream? Dreamed you were touring the sky? Dreamed that you were floating in the heavens under the clear sky?

That's how I feel around you. You make me float. You make me as high as the birds. When I'm with you I feel like there is a full moon. I feel like it pulls me close to you like the tide upon the shore. I never drift too far away. Even the jagged rocks that we come up against don't keep me away.

You are like sun to me. Your rays of joy inspire me and make me smile. You love me through everything. My pain, my joy, and my anger, and my love.

Even if I ever separate from you. I will always love you, and hope to see you on the other side of the moon . . .

Damaged Heart

"Do . . . do you have a first aid kit handy?
Do . . . do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me, are you patient, understanding?
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart and I
I've tried every remedy
And nothing seems to work for me . . . " - Danity Kane

Will a first aid really work? What mends a heart? Is it time? Is it new experiences? Or does the heart really fully heal? Scars usually always leave their mark. They are rooted so deep that they are sometimes impossible to remove. They stay around forever to remind you of the pain or the experience . . .

Can you patch up a heart? Usually its done with more pain. Greater pain to cover up the lesser pain. More bad relationships, decisions and experiences . . . the main battle is to stay sweet and not shut down. To still be willing to open up to other things.

Life . . . the path can sometimes be damaged . . .

How Clear It Is

Crisp, clear . . . my mind is clear. I look upon the sea and stand with my thoughts. As I overlook the rocks and blue I think . . . oh how clear it is.

Beauty, clear . . . my eyes can see. I look up at the sun and smile into light. As I look at the sunrays shine from the sky, I see . . . oh how clear it is.

Blue, clear . . . wow, my colors are sharp. I look upon my scene and I see sprinkles of pink and sprinkles of yellow, and a whole sea of white beauty. As I look at all these colors painted with the beauty of God, there's blue . . . oh how clear it is.

Wow I love the beauty of His eye . . . an image so filled with detail I'm speechless . . . oh how clear it is.

Tomorrow Is Not Promised Today

(I didn't write that above) . . .

Love me . . . hold me . . . keep me . . . and don't leave me . . .

If You love me, I will never worry about love from anyone else.

If You hold me, forever, I will never need for anything, because You always have me

If You keep me, I will forever remain with you for eternity

If You never leave, I will never feel forsaken, for You loved me first so to leave me would be to hurt me and I know that You could not do that

God . . . tomorrow is not promised today, so I will love you the same

Imagine

Imagine . . . Imagine yourself here in this place looking at this in front of you.

Imagine . . . Imagine the weather; imagine the air; imagine the wind.

Imagine . . . Imagine your hike; imagine your body; imagine your reaction.

Imagine . . . Imagine your soul; where did it go? Where did your heart soar to.

Just Imagine . . .

Outsider

The playground, the place where cliques and outcasts are made. A swing set, where only the coolest kids could swing; where all the lames and nerds were told to back off. Now as we have grown older, swing sets have become more like exclusive. You have guards around the swing set, and they alternate turns with those who are on it.

They have their whispers, their inside jokes. They are unashamed at how they tease in front of you. They don't care if you are included, only that their superficial conversations stay strong and leave you out of them.

They take trips to the water fountain without you. Knowing good and well that with your crutches it will take a you a much longer time. They make sure to rub it in your face, "how wonderful this fresh clean water is!" They don't care about your thirst, about your dry, cracked throat.

Then they always leave others behind. They take their happiness of the swing and make sure to leave the leftovers standing in the line that they will never get out of . . . not everyone gets to swing.

Who are the others? . . .
. . . The observers, the weird ones, and outcasts of this playground. The only thing keeping them out is the fact that they made choices . . . choices that took them on a different path. They look with longing, wondering why they can't fit in, why they don't fit into any mold. They ask, "Why did God make me different? Why am I going such a different route? Why is my life so uniquely shaped this way?" They know it is best to stay outside and be the wandering beast that they are; to let go and wander off the playground to someplace entirely different. Never fitting in, they begin to embrace their differences and reach out for something beyond their sight, beyond the fog, beyond to sea . . . but doesn't it suck to be an outsider . . .

Fork in the Road

There's a fork in the road . . .

You pause . . .

You pause a long time . . .

You are still . . .

The only thing that moves is the wind, but even it is beginning to die down.

You don't think, you don't want to think; for if you think, you will know which road to choose.

One road is filled with all your hopes and your dreams, but the path to get to that other side is brittle, and coarse, and sharp, and it seems unending; for there is always new goals to be thought. It is filled with pain and struggle, . . . but there will be joy . . . oh there will be beauty and life and love and you will have taken the risk to achieve.

The other road, is the simple life; you will be happy; you will be safe; and you will have excitement, in those random places; you will live an ordinary life, you might change someone somewhere; and you will forget about your loves, and find new ones to cherish.

You know which road is yours, you know which road you were born to travel on, . . . you know where you should go . . . but now . . .

You hesitate . . .

You stare . . .

There are two roads . . .

At which point you stand in the fork of the roads . . . and dream of your happy place

Finally . . . you take a step . . .

All Fall Down

Listening to: All Fall Down - One Republic

(suggestion when reading this entry: listen to song while reading; it will move you better)

********************************
Lost til you're found
Stuck in a forest; running through; no light shines through; the sweat drips down your face; you feel the fear and it shows on your face; you feel like someone's watching you but when you turn around, no one is there; you keep wandering around; looking for any way out

Swim til you drown
You stumble in a river; the weeds grab hold of your feet; you gasp for air; desperately swimming; you cannot free yourself; you jerk, you pull, you fiercely fight; you use every ounce in you; finally your feet are released and your race your lungs to the surface

Know that we all fall down
You are gasping for air; you are choking; you start sobbing; you look back at the river like an enemy; mad that you fell down . . .

Love til you hate
You stand up looking around desperately; still dripping and smelling of your life struggle; you start stepping away; you are filled with hate; that you are where you are; with no way out; you then feel it again; the presence that was there before; you see a panther; why is it even there; you take off; your lungs are screaming; you barely have enough air to think; you come to a cliff; only one choice

Jump til you break
You are falling; you try grabbing onto long branches that hang from the sky; the trees have no mercy on you; everything seems to move away as you almost grip; the trees below you get thicker; you are slowing down finally you slam down hard on the ground; you scream; your arm is broken; but you can't stay there; you must keep going

Know that we all fall down
You push yourself; you keep stepping; one break, one fall won't kill you; you walk towards the lighter side of the forest you are in now; something is different; the air becomes cleaner and it's easier to breathe; you begin to see the sun; your aching bones are yelling for the freedom; your will was crashing down; Now you know . . . .

All fall down, we all fall down, all fall down
We all fall down, all fall down, all fall down

Lost til you're found
Swim til you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love til you hate
Jump til you break
Know that we all fall down

"Love me like you'll never see me again"

Below, are the thoughts of a girl who is talking to her friends about how she feels how they treat her.

I know you perfer that I be a certain way all the time. I know you perfer that I am all the time happy. I know that you would rather me be always doing things with you that will cause me to struggle. How come I am always there for you and you are never there for me? Where are you to stay up at night with me when I need someone? How come you go to sleep on me or get cranky when I call? How come you always exclude me and go off into your little bubbles, it makes me want to not even stick around . . . it makes me want to leave and just forget about it. But, I won't do that; because I love you. You are my friends, and even though you sometimes don't realize that you hurt me a lot, that's ok. I forgive you. And will keep forgiving you.

I just hope you realize, that one day I might not always be here. Maybe you'll do better without me. Maybe you won't miss me or will be joyous that I'm gone. I just hope if I do decide to walk off, that you'll know you should have "loved me, like you'll never see me again."

A Tearless Letter

Listening to: Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill; Nothing Even Matters - Lauryn Hill

You . . . you are my happy place. You make me smile. You make me glow. You make me forget everything around me and I remain in heavenly bliss. You are the only one who hurts my feelings and brings me to tears to only have me strive harder to be a better person. I know you only say what you say to me in love because you look sad when I am hurt. You have never called me any evil names, never put me down, you just tell me the truth in all your honesty. When I am done getting over my pride and realizing that everything you told me was right, I remember that you are my happy place. Cause "nothing even matters at all." I love you, and I know you don't and may never love me back. I just wanted you to know that you showed me a whole new meaning of joy and I can never thank you enough. I have been honored to be your friend and be in your life. I never knew how strong love could be for I never kissed you, touched you, or even told you how I feel about you. You drew me in. "Your love made me grown 10 feet tall." I hope that I will always carry a piece of you. I realize that I must walk away from you and let you be and go do what I need to do in my life . . . and as I know this, I know I will lose my happy place. The thought of you got me through the days and I woke up happy and full of light. I am sorry to leave you "happy place" but I must walk away because I would rather leave whole than broken. "You let go, and I'll let go too."

--A love letter

Narration

A Narration I made up for Grey's Anatomy . . . don't know how it would fit in though . . .


The thing about growing up is, you always get busier. Busy with work, busy with duties, busy with goals, and just life altogether. Often, family and friends get pushed to the side and become a burden to talk to instead of a joy. When did our lives become so ruled by work that we can't even take time out to be with the people who got us there in the first place? We lose touch, and then what . . . we get stuck with a problem and have no one to turn to. Some say get a new life and get new friends and forget about the old ones.

Brainstorming and Clockwork

I need you like a heart needs a beat, that's nothing new
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
- dedicated to the one who is sitting outside the door of my heart


Two movie script ideas:

Me and my friends who have been together for awhile and know each other so closely . . . the story of our lives

• Title: Livery among Friends, Clowns of Ann Arbor, Keep it movin', Bring 'em Out, Willowtree Pimps and Players
  
• Subject: A group of people meet each other by divine appointment and affect each other's lives through their college experience and for years to come
• Category: College life/comedy
• Characters: Fierceness, Aarbear, Parke, LaTova, Ginger Snap, Champ (other character code names to be determined)

Two sisters who are always getting into trouble

• Title: Me and You, My Bond With You
• Subject: Two sisters from different fathers must deal with their issues in their complicated families and must stick together through the messups and trials that they face
• Category: Drama
• Characters: Lillie - older sister, mature, sensible, always gets her sister out of trouble, smart, laid back; Brittenie - younger sister, fiery personality, smart mouth, always in trouble, street smart

More will be added later to these . . . which script should I write for Grad School?

Do you know where it is?

This song (Say All I Need) is so beautiful to me . . . it makes me feel like someone looked into my eyes, didn't turn away, and found the words and song of my heart. Sometimes these questions send me on some very unique soul searching trips. Especially these two questions:

1. Do you know where your heart is? Do you think you can find it?
2. Do you know where your love is? Do you think that you lost is?

This song I can put in infinite repeat and go places in my head. Places that help me sort out all the mess and garbage. I am already a big dreamer without any help so the motivation music REALLY takes me there.


One Republic - Say (All I Need)
Do you know where your heart is?
Do you think you can find it?
Or did you trade it for something
Somewhere better just to have it?
Do you know where your love is?
Do you think that you lost it?
You felt it so strong, but
Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you know what your fate is?
And are you trying to shake it?
You're doing your best and
Your best look
You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul
You're a lonely soul
Cause you won't let go
Of anything you hold

Well, all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Better than you had it
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Do you think you can find it?
Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

I said I all I need
Is the air I breathe
And a place to rest
My head

Whenever the end is
Do you think you can see it?
Well, until you get there
Go on, go ahead and scream it
Just say it

Love?

disclaimer: all views and opinions read here are the opinion of the writer and not by the people who hosted the site or were in the process of it's makings.

Below is a scene that will take place in a movie where a female character will start off as a college student and then grow up and become a psychologist. Her life's goal is to find out about love . . . why people love, why people don't want to wait around for love, how many people can a person love, and at once?, if there is a such thing as true love and does God have it made so he created someone especially for another person . . .

I am making this movie because for years I have watched people and studied this and wonder why people do what they do in relationships. If I was an anthropologist, this would be my main focus, . . . on love. I don't know why I have a fascination with it, but hopefully me researching and planning to do this movie will help (btw, I don't plan to do it for awhile, but I'm starting early)

Hopefully as I get more practice with scripts and things, that the writing style will flow more and I will be able to do correct scene descriptions.

************************************************************************************

The air is hot and her mind is full. She stares out at the world in front of her intensely . . . she isn't really watching them, and small movements are oblivious to her senses. She thinks about the world, about her friends. She thinks about all of their situations. She wonders to herself, "Why do people go through what they go through. Why can't we all just avoid the drama." She thinks about love and about the messiness of it. "Why can't people just meet that person, fall in love, and be done with it?" She wonders why there are the complications. She wonders when does God ever bring that person, the person who is the exact piece to someone's puzzle. The person who God created especially for that someone . . . and then she realizes, "people don't want to wait for that love." She shifts her feet and plays with her coffee cup in her hand.

Take Me As I Am

They are both alone. She is looking at him with red wet eyes. He's staring, like he's dreaming. He's listening, he's caring. She lifts to her face a sheet of paper she's been holding. It's wet with her tears, it weeps of her fears. She gives a slight sob as she starts to read . . . this is a part of her world, nothing like a fantasy. She wonders, "If he doesn't take this, then what I am doing?!? If he can't take me as I am, then who ever will." . . . She starts again to utter the syllables, and this time it comes out stronger, this time her voice grows more noble . . . she says:

Here I am, waiting . . . waiting for you to show me a part of your heart . . .
Waiting to catch a glimpse, of some love from inside
I wish you could see my soul, I wish you could feel it yearn,
So then I wouldn't seem so shy, when it comes to you and I
You strike me as someone so dear, so sweet, so full of strength
I watch how you fight through your pain, every time you pass my way
I would love to be apart, and support you through life
But you've got to let me in, and I've got to open up

I don't know what to do anymore, I've been hurt so much
I don't know how to say how I feel, I don't know how to share my world
I wonder if you'll be patient, and bear with all my trials
I wonder if you'll get tired of me, and not be there when I cry
I sometimes wind up all alone, with no one by my side
Even in my strong core, there's times I need somewhere to hide

I am fierce, I am strong, I am right, never wrong;
I speak up, I can be mean, I'll always be there, for anything;
I'll pull you, I'll fight with you, I will scream, I'll be in defiance towards you;
No games, that's my way, I'm sure, I don't like to waver;
I won't mess with your heart, and never decide, don't mess with mine, don't make me cry;
My soul sings, my brain dreams, my heart soars, my mouth can roar;
I have dreams, and I have goals, if you can stand me, you'll pay a toll;
because . . .

I AM superwoman: everyday, always, powerful AND strong! NO ONE can tear me down, NO ONE can take away my roots. My fierceness rides on in the think of the battle . . . For I AM a fierce superwoman, and I HAVE strength to do it all . . .

. . . she looks back up at him, to read his face. His eyes are steady, he makes no weird gaze. At that point it's over, she's lost something; nothing she needed, nothing to hold onto . . . her fear goes away, and she falls in love right then and there. "It is beautiful," she thinks as he leans in towards her to embrace her with strength. "This is lovely," she says, and they hold each other and watch the rain beat down . . . her heart begins to sound . . . she hears a thumping . . . she races . . . all the while he is steady. He is no prince charming, he is no hero, he is no savior, . . . what he represents, is the other half of her core, the one that was missing.

"If you are what you say you are!"

Loving this song Superstar by Lupe Fiasco . . . I can see myself in this song five years from now strutting down some red carpet with some fly stilettos on and with my form fitting dress to show off some figure I would have worked towards. So now I will practice on little things, like the fashion shows here at UofM. I'm going to Noir this year. I plan on getting V.I.P. tickets early and I plan on looking beyond fabulous! So I will practice my strut there. People can say I'm arrogant but I don't care, every woman has the right to stroll down some red carpet or imagine herself doing so in all her individual beauty.

Superstar Video

Chorus
If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the camera's is here
And the microphone's
And they wanna' know oh oh oh oh, yeah

2nd Chorus
If you are what you say you are, a superstar
Then have no fear, the crowd is here
And the lights are on
And they wanna show oh oh oh oh, yeah

In my head I am looking fly and walking down a red carpet that's in the hallway leading into the Michigan Ballroom. I am walking slow like the women in the video and I look just as beautiful. With me is my current love interest and also my boy Anthony. He's a future music/rap producer so he must practice his red carpet appearance as well. There are flashing lights everywhere and we give the most elite/I am it look. Me and my current love interest walk in to the area where the fashion show will be while Anthony stays behind to wait for the rest of the crew to arrive. (We all arrived at different times which is what boogie celebrities do and my crew is fly enough to work that!)

Ok, this definitely was a elite/arrogant type of entry, but we all have our urges right? And I am on the top, why can't I be proud. :-)

Below is what I am! (sorry for using aristocratic Jess!)
aristocratic
elite

The Fire is Red

I guess I'll be putting a lot of my thoughts in this blog . . . my randomness, my craziness, my dreams, and everything else that runs up in that moter of mine. So expect to be confused; expect beauty; and expect to dream . . . I am going to attempt to do like my true love right now and Dream Out Loud . . .




(Second verse of Apologize - One Republic)
I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...


When I read this I think of different shots and scenes to a music video. Ok . . . let me break it down.

I'd take another chance, take a fall Take a shot for you
Basically the guy singing it (as the main character in the video) looking down at his feet while the girl who he is talking to is looking at his face trying to get him to look at her. She looks apologetic and seemingly wants him to stay, come back to her, or just wants him to talk.

And I need you like a heart needs a beat But it's nothin new
The shot cuts out the bulk of their face and you can see the bottom of their chins and their chest. The girl is putting her hand on his heart and he is putting his hand over hers. You see their chins come together and know that they are going to give a soft kiss to each other.

I loved you with a fire red-
You can see a man singing into a microphone (got this from another video someone made for Apologize http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePyRrb2-fzs) and there is a red background. He's in black though so you can only see his figure.

Now it's turning blue, and you say...
A girl is stretched and leaning her head all the way back almost like she is floating on air and there is a red thin sheet floating and moving with her. She is in a red environment. She looks enchanting.

"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you But I'm afraid...
In this part I had an idea that the girl in the video was standing there in mist and she seemed beautiful like an angel but I don't like that. I want her to be on sitting on a bed wrapped in a sheet looking like she got caught in the act with the guy walking away from her upset at finding his girl cheating. The angle of the shot will first be on his back then on his front frame as he turns around and walks away . . . (I could decide to change the shot though)

video made my fan on Youtube

Flowers

I was looking at different types of flowers and seeing which ones fit me more so . . . then I got critical because I know certain flowers would fit me more with a certain mood I am in.

Then somehow these thoughts ended up leading to movies . . . I always have movies going through my head. Someone told me yesterday that I am very visual, which means I can pick up a lot of details that I see . . . in relation to the movies, I began to think on what type of scenes these flowers made me think of. The first (top left) made me think of a romantic spot in Italy. It is a warm afternoon and there is a light rain and the mist is soft and moist. There is a young lady sitting at a table with a glass of pinot grigio in front of her. She sits there with a slight smile thinking of her previous night and how she got her first kiss under the stars with her lover. She is anxiously and patiently waiting for him to arrive. She sits there still smiling as she sees him walking through the enchanting mist in his handsome garb and looks adoringly at him as he sits down in front of her . . .

The second bouquet of flowers (top right) make me think of a wedding scene. The bride stands there in a elegant long flowing dress. It is slightly plain but immensely beautiful. She has her hair up in a tight but full bun on her hair. Her jewelry is simple so that she does not take away from the beauty of her dress. Her bridesmaid hands her the bouquet. She looks down at it prepared to walk towards her love. Her eyes are glazed over with thoughts as she cannot wait to join him after they cross over into holy matrimony.

For the third one, it's a sunny winter day in Mexico. A group is practicing tango. "One, Two, Three, Four" . . . she counts in her head as her leader moves her backwards and prepares to do a twist with her. She focuses as the flowers fall around her to the ground from the decorations hanging above, "oh this is so romantic," she thinks but she understands that without her moves there will be no connection, thus no mood, and thus no romance. 'The turn', oh how it flows, oh how her skirt moves, oh how she walks with such grace! For their last move he spins her and as the music stops, there joins their embrace . . .

Lastly, She is sitting alone in a garden, with the wind soft at her feet. She is there in total peace. The only thing going is her music, which comes from hidden speakers on the walls. She's in her secret garden beautiful and destined to be free.

Here I am!

Well here is the beginning to a hopefully interesting blog . . . stay tuned . . . right now it's 3:30 am and I am waaaayyy to tired to write. I'll be back though to grace you with my internet presence . . . au revoir!!!